


Auf Wiedersehen

by badwoIIf



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst, Co-parent, F/F, Happy Ending, Post-Canon, Recovery, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:40:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25174753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badwoIIf/pseuds/badwoIIf
Summary: Almost a year after Santa Barbara, Ellie shows up on the gates of Jackson.
Relationships: Dina & Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 27
Kudos: 147





	1. eins

**Author's Note:**

> hello,  
> this is just my brain creating scenarios where Ellie and Dina see each other again. this one is not pretty but sometimes life isn't pretty. also yes, Jackson has a medical area and a therapist because they fucking need one.
> 
> ps: "auf wiedersehen" is a german way to say "see you later", but literally means "until we see each other again”.

Eventually, Ellie goes back to Jackson.

She shows up in front of the wooden gates almost a year after leaving the farmhouse in search of one revenge that was still unfinished.

The way back took much longer, taking longer paths and having to be more careful about encounter enemies. After all, she was in no shape to put up a fight after what happened in the resort in Santa Barbara. 

When she passed the gates of Jackson she was almost unrecognizable: her hair was a bit longer, her skin was much tanner, she was drenched of blood in almost every inch of her clothes a result of the moment she got hurt or later when her improvised stitches got open and a few more scars on her face.

She was so dehydrated that trying to step out of her horse almost made her pass out face down the ground. 

One look at her and Maria demanded her to go to the medical bay. Ellie stayed there for weeks. 

First just giving her water and food so her body could get stronger. Then was the exams to trying to save the poor job she did on her wounds, there wasn’t much they could do since the cicatrization was complete after months on the road, but the doctors did their best to check her progress during those weeks.

Maria was there to check in on her everyday right before going to her office, like clockwork. Tommy went a few times but she always pretended to be asleep when he was there. 

Dina went two times.

The first time she doesn’t know if it actually happened or she was hallucinating from the lack of water in her body and the pain medication they gave her. But she remembers to open her eyes in the medical bay and see her close to the door. She didn’t say anything, neither did Dina. She just looked at her for a while, frowning, like she trying to understand how Ellie was actually there. Ellie thought she blinked but when her eyes opened Dina was no longer there.

A couple of weeks later Ellie was better, physically speaking, she was nourished and hydrated, answering the doctor’s questions about her injuries, she spoke with Maria about a place for her to stay in Jackson or if she was staying at all. Maria also convinced her to start talking to a professional about her stuff, Ellie hated the idea, but Marie was such a sweet old lady and she accepted that the initial part of her therapy to be writing in a diary until she feels comfortable on vocalizing her thoughts and memories. She still avoided Tommy, not ready to tell him that according to him she had failed.

The second time she saw Dina was three weeks later. Ellie was sure this time, her memory was not foggy or hazy, she was not taking any medication that could mess with her mind to a point she would imagine Dina standing on the door of her room, this time was real because Dina spoke to her.

“They didn’t know if you would survive.” Her voice sounded angry, and Ellie understood, she had every right to be angry at her. “When I heard you came back I thought people were lying to me, I had to see with my own eyes.”

“I’m here.” Ellie tried, making a slow movement with her left hand pointing to herself, but the action only made Dina’s attention to focus on her missing fingers.

“Barely.” She sounded so bitter it hurts Ellie in a way she thought she was prepared but hit like a rock “Then I came to see if it was true, and the doctor told me she didn’t know if you would make it. That they didn’t know how you were able to get here alive in the first place. They told you were so dehydrate they didn’t know if your kidneys would survive.”

“Dina…”

“I was so angry, Ellie. So fucking angry because how dare you to come back after almost a year of me... of everyone thinking you were fucking dead, just to die inside our border.” Ellie could see now tears running down Dina’s face, she was in front of her bed now, one of her hands holding the metal bar at the end of the bed, she never saw her this angry. “So I didn’t come back, I refuse to let Maria tell me about you, I didn’t want to know if you were better or worse because you don’t get to do this to me anymore.”

“I’m sorry.” And she really was, she couldn’t blame Dina for her words, or the despise in her voice or the anger in her eyes. Those were all consequences of her actions. Still, it wasn’t like it didn’t hurt.

“Save it. Save your apologies to someone who cares about it, I’m done. I came here today because I knew if you had died someone would tell me eventually and since no one show up in my door with their hats in hand in front of their chest I assumed you were alive and well enough to understand one thing: Stay the fuck away from me and my son!”

Ellie still had nightmares. Sometimes about Joel being killed, sometimes about Seattle in general things she did and things Abby did, sometimes about Santa Barbara. She also had nightmares with this moment, with Dina cutting her off cor good hers and JJ’s life, and this one was the one who hurt the most because the other ones were in the past this one was a possibility that haunted her for all those nights after she let Abby leaves.

Her worse nightmare is turning real in front of her eyes, oh how she wished this was a nightmare of a hallucination because of medicine. But it was real, Dina’s words were real and she meant it every single one of them.

Her heart rate, which was being monitored by the machine beside her bed, went off. It was so loud that Dina’s eyes stared at the screen for a few seconds in surprise before going back to Ellie’s face, continue her hard gaze.

“No, you can’t do this.” It was almost a whisper, as much as Ellie’s heart rate tells that she could fight for this right now, she was still weak, her throat still hurts after so much time in silence and consuming so little water for months. Saying anything longer than a syllable at the time felt like she was being punched in the throat, but she tried. “You can’t do this!”

“I can and I will.” 

“He is my son too!” 

“Don’t you fucking dare. He stopped being your son the moment you abandoned us on the farm.” She screamed that last sentence, lower lip trembling and Ellie could see the tears in Dina’s eyes, but it was like the woman refuse to let them down. The last part was said in the most neutral and cold way possible “I meant it Ellie, you came back and if you want to stay here? Fine by me, it’s not my city, but don’t you come near him. I’m warning you.”

After that she holds her stare for a few seconds and turns around, leaving the room. Leaving also a hyperventilating Ellie unable to stay still, feeling drops of sweat dripping down her forehead to her neck. Desperation took over her and the next thing she knew, she was tearing the wires connecting the machines to her body and standing up. 

She was still weak because weeks of medical care would not undo the damage of months and moths, so she almost fell down and had to hold herself up on one of the machines next to her bed. Taking forces in somewhere deep into her body she forced her legs to move as fast as she could, but still quite slow. 

When she gets into the door frame of her room, the doctor that checks on her during mornings appears at the end of the hallway and practically runs towards her. When he gets in front of her he holds her up by her arms.

“Ellie, you are too weak to walk yet. Are you trying to hurt yourself?” 

“I need to speak to her.” She ignores the doctor holding her arm and tries to untangle herself from him but almost crumbles into the floor one step later, needing to press the right side of her body against the wall to keep herself to fall.

“No, you need to lay down and rest. Your body is too weak for any of this. You can talk to whomever you want after you get yourself healthy enough to not need someone else to keep you up.”

“Doctor, I swear to god, If you don’t leave me I will…”

“What you going to do? Hurt me? You can’t even stand up by yourself. We spend medicine and time helping you out, the only thing you can do in return is waiting for you to be at least fine before you go to another crusade. Now get your ass back to bed before I call Maria here herself and you can listen to a long-ass lecture from her.”

She looks to the door she knew Dina enter and left just moments ago before accepting the doctor’s help and going back to her bed.

**…**

Two days later she received a letter together with the diary she sent to the therapist for her weekly session.

“ _Ellie,_

_I know it must be hard for you to be confronted and having your hope of a future with your child taken away from you so soon. I appreciate you sharing this with me._

_If you allow me, I would like to ask you to reflect on why your ex-partner reacted in such a way. You left once and so far you still don’t know how hard it must have been to her dealing with your absence while having a toddler not understanding the situation._

_Please, do not think I’m taking sides. I assure you I’m not. I’m being as impersonal as I can give the size of Jackson and its population._

_But on one of your first letters, you don’t me you didn’t know how long would be for you to be “good” again, in your state of mind. Like I told you, this is a path you need to do it yourself and for yourself. Going back to your family right now might do more harm than good to your recovery and your relationship with them._

_I can see why you are so frustrate and upset, it’s an upsetting situation._

_However, I would like you to see this as an opportunity for your recovery. You often write to me that you have lost everything to death and revenge, but to me, you still have so much. You still have a desire to reclaim your relationship with your son, you still have to talk to Tommy about what happened and explain why you did and didn’t do things, you still have to ask for forgiveness to Dina even if she won’t forgive you._

_Ellie you are so young and have so much in front of you do with your life. You can find new hobbies, new passions, new friendships, you can still find joy in life again. But for all those things to happen you need to allow yourself to heal first, only then you will stop surviving post all that happened after Joel’s death and start to live again._

_Please, feel free to write me your answer. Anything will be valid, I’m not going to judge._

_Waiting for your notebook next week, same time._

_Marie Chu._ ”

**...**

That afternoon Ellie writes her heart out in that notebook because she will do anything in her power to be good again, so she can have the life Joel fight so much for her to have. She will be ok again, and maybe after that, she can have a relationship with JJ again.

Maybe.

But you bet she will work her ass off.


	2. zwei

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sup guys,  
> I decided that is for the better to add another chapter so I can develop things without rushing too much.  
> I hope you guys enjoy this chapter.
> 
> ps: this is just me and my google docs, no beta, so I'm sorry for any mistakes. English isn't my first language.

Recovery is a process. 

After the encounter with Dina in the medical bay, Ellie decides to accept the help everyone is offering her instead of just waiting to get better by inertia.

So she starts eating more, at first the growth is small before she ate about half of the plate they gave her for every meal but then it became ¾ until became the full portion and one fruit as dessert.

She started drinking more water too, it’s weird at first since she got into Jackson she was hydrate and watched closely for any signs of organ malfunction due to the dehydration she suffered during the trip here. However, most of her hydration was by a needle in her arm. One morning she just asked the doctor if she could have a bottle of water next to her bed, he allowed and after that, the nurse filed her bottle twice a day.

Talking to Marie was still hard, she asked questions about Joel and how she felt when he died or what was on her mind when she decided to go to Santa Barbara and left everything behind. Those were still hard topics, but she tried, she wrote down about those things, most of the times it was just nonsense that for a random person outside of Ellie’s mind didn’t make any sense, but Marie said it was important for her to do it anyway, so she did.

She also started doing small exercises in her room, first, just a walk around the room with the doctor watching her and that was the worse part, having someone watching her while her legs tremble because she still wasn’t strong enough. Then it became small walks outside on the back of the medical bay, during sunset so she could get some vitamin c as well. And then she was clear for any physical training.

It took a while, Ellie stayed in the medical bay for almost four months. Physically she was fine, healthy, even gained a few pounds and now looked more like Ellie than the skinny ghost that showed up after almost a year missing. She was ready to start again.

Then it was time to talk to Maria.

**…**

“Heard you got yourself out of Dr. Hills tail.” Is the first thing she hears once she steps into Maria’s office. She doesn’t know how the older woman knew it was her since she had yet to open her mouth, but maybe Maria recognized the weak and embarrassed knock on the door.

“Yeah, looks like he got tired of me already.” She tries to joke around, Joseph Hills actually let her know that if she needs anything she can go to his house anytime.

“How are you feeling, kid?” Maria asks, putting down her reading glasses and closes the book she was reading. She points to the chair in front of her desk, a clear invitation for Ellie to sit down, and she does.

“Well, my legs don’t give in every time I take a step so I guess I’m doing good.” Maria doesn’t laugh, she just keeps her stare towards the young woman in front of her. “I’m fine, I swear.”

“You look better.” This time Maria lets a small smile take over her mouth.

“Thank you.”

“What can I do for you, kid? We took care of your horse and your weapons if you need it back.”

“No, I don’t… Actually, I was wondering if you have any place available here.” Ellie says it while playing with the bottom of her sweater, it’s the change of clothes Maria left for her a few days ago when the doctor starts preparing her to leave the medical bay.

“A place?” 

“Doesn’t need to be big, a small room will be fine. I don’t have much stuff.” She is quick to state that, maybe afraid of being denied or sound greedy.

“Are you staying?”

“If that’s alright.” 

“If that’s alright?” Maria doesn’t hide the shook in her face, she doesn’t know why exactly she is surprised, she had no idea what Ellie would do after the doctors discharged her. But still, hearing her fragile voice asking if it’s ok to stay in the city felt childlike, something Ellie doesn’t show very often. “Of course, it’s alright, kid. It’s better than alright, Jackson is your home too.”

“Thank you, Maria.”

“Don’t thank me, you are family, Ellie.” She gives the young woman a small smile before turn her chair around and picks up a big book in the bookshelf behind her, bring it on top of the table and opens near the end. “Let’s see what we have for you.”

**…**

Turns out Maria only had three options: a big house near the gate, a room in a family’s house and a basement under some one’s home. Ellie chooses the basement, it has its own entrance in the back of the house so that gives her privacy without the feeling of loneliness the big house would. The basement’s not great but it’s nice enough, has its own kitchen, a small bathroom with a bathtub and a big bed in the bedroom/living room.

It’s good enough for a new start. She gets her stuff that was kept in Maria and Tommy’s basement, her stuff when she lived with Joel.

After settling down in the new “home” her life continues progressing, she still has therapy once a week, she still writes down in her diary, she starts a new job right after moving. She stops patrolling for good, Dr. Chu says it’s good to stop for a while and maybe someday she will get comfortable going outside the walls again but that’s not something she is looking for. Ellie starts working in the dinner, she still doesn’t talk much with Seth, but his wife and daughter are nice, they help her out since day one, letting her take some time, after all, she is only working with eight fingers. 

Turns out Ellie is quite good at cooking. She starts slow obviously, washing dishes, then cutting vegetables, then making eggs and bacon, then helping during lunch and dinner time. It’s a good job, she has a routine, she is eating better, she is socializing, everything is good.

Until it isn’t.

**...**

It’s one random evening, her shift ended early because of the small number of people in the dinner, so she is walking in the streets of Jackson towards her house right past sunset. That’s when she sees it; a little girl, probably not more than six, walking a few feet in front of her holding hands with what looks like her mother. Something so simple is enough to trigger her.

She remembers Seattle when Abby is about to kill Dina even though she knows the other girl is pregnant. She remembers the lazy mornings after they came back to Jackson when she would talk to Dina’s belly while JJ was still the size of a potato. She remembers being so careful about moving his crib to their room so he could sleep with them. She remembers waking up in the middle of the night to take care of him when he was crying for a dirty diaper or cramps. She remembers how easy it was to talk with him because he couldn’t understand shit but he still looked at her with so much love and happiness every time he laid eyes on her.

Love and happiness that she no longer has, even if the reason for her heart gets fuelled of love to a point it overflows are two streets away. One of the reasons made clear that she didn’t want anything to do with Ellie anymore, looked at her with so much pain anger. The other reason probably didn’t remember her anymore.

The idea of JJ passing her in the streets of Jackson and not knowing who she is, of how much he means to her, and how they were once such a beautiful family allows fear to take over her, and then suddenly she can’t breathe. Too many feelings taking over at once and when Ellie realizes she is in the first alley she could find, throwing up all her lunch.

She has to do something about it.

**...**

"I want to see my son." Ellie says just as she sits on the chair in front of Dr. Chu for her appointment.

“Ok, let’s talk about that for a moment.” Is what Marie says to her, no wide eyes, no looks like Ellie was crazy or rushing things. Just a willingness to help her, and after so much time with her own mind working on self-sabotage, it’s a nice change.

**...**

She didn’t know why she is so nervous, the plan is going to the porch, slide the letter under the door, turn around, go back to her house and wait on an answer. And still, she finds herself petrified in front of the two stores blue house she spent almost a year pretending it didn’t exist.

Her fingers keep on kneading the envelope in her hands, she tried to be stray to the point with as little daydreams she could, still she end up with a full two-page letter to give to her ex-girlfriend, almost wife, to try share custody of their son. What could go wrong, right?

Just when she finish gathering all her braveness and steps into the porch the door swings open and reveals a Dina that looks more surprised than anything “Ellie?”

“Hey.” All the courage she had moments ago simply evaporated completely, she feels like a kid getting caught doing something they shouldn’t do in the first place. She feels the sweat in the palm of her hands starting wetting the letter so she fastly puts in her back pocket and tries to clean her hands in her jeans.

Also, her heart is beating quite fast and this is all Dina. Dina looking as beautiful as ever in a blue tank top and grey jeans, her hair is a bit shorter than she used in the farm but still long, Ellie could see this even from the high ponytail she has. Even gazing at Ellie past the surprise and now frustrated she is beautiful.

“What are you doing here?” She asks impatiently, crossing her arms on top of her breasts.

“I… I didn’t know you would be home, I thought you were at work at this time.” 

“Why would you come here during a time I’m at work after I told you to stay away from me and my son?” Dina takes a step closer to her, going full protect mode, and Ellie takes one step back.

“Dina” Ellie tries to speak but the encounter caught her by surprise and now all that was written in the letter is no longer in her mind, so she just stammers.

“Are you stalking us now?” Dina asks, honestly more accuses than anything but she can blame her.

“What? No, I would neve-” She tries to defend herself but she also knows how everything must look for Dina.

“How did you even know JJ is home today?”

“He is home?” The whole situation she is right now is so unexpected it makes her head spin for a moment, knowing that he is actually there just a few feet away from her makes everything more real.

“He is sick so I stayed at home with him.” Dina is mad now, Ellie can see, almost as she is disappointed to herself for letting Ellie know about him.

“Is he alright?” She tries to look behind Dina’s shoulder towards the windows of the house like JJ would magically appear in the windows and wave at her.

“Yes, it’s just the flu, he had a little fever during the night and woke up a little clingy and coughing. Ellie, what are you doing here?” 

“I didn’t know you would be home, or him. I swear, Dina. You told me to stay away and I respect your wish for more than a year, I came to give you this.” She picks the letter from her back pocket and shoves in Dina’s direction.

“What is that?” She doesn’t make a move tot ake the letter, she just stares at it for a couple of seconds and then returns her gaze to Ellie’s face, keeping her own as impassive as possible.

“It’s a formal invitation for you, I want us to have a conversation.”

With that being said, she let’s sigh leave her mouth, dropping her head and shaking negatively for a moment “We don’t have anything else to talk about, Ellie.”

“We let things…” Ellie tries to talk, but her poor choice of words only spite anger from the woman in front of her.

“We? Are you fucking serious?”

“I, I left things so… I want us to talk about things. Like adults this time, so I can explain” Ellie tries again. She has to close her eyes for a hot second to try to ignore the hard gaze coming from someone who used to look at her with so much love and affection.

“I don’t want to hear it.”

“Maybe you don’t, and that’s ok. But I think you deserve to know why I did what I did, what was going on in my mind, and understand the whole scenario.”

“I don’t…”

“If after everything you still don’t want anything to do with me, then it’s ok. I just.. I’ve been doing lots of therapy with Marie and she helped me see how unfair I was and, I really really want to have some kind of relationship with JJ” before Dina could protest Ellie continues “I know, I get your point, I really do. That’s why I’ve been away this whole time, I wanted to be in a better place for us to have this conversation I want so you can think about it, really think about it.”

Dina looks behind her shoulder to the inside of the house, like she was afraid JJ would wake up and see them. This conversation alone is taking too much “Ellie.”

“I know don’t have a right to ask you for anything, but I am asking anyway. Just a talk, somewhere else, just the two of us. Please?”

“I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“I’m only asking for a conver-”

“I’m not going to change my mind.”

“If that’s what you get after I will-”

“I don’t know.”

“I love it when you let me finish my sentences.” The sentence leaves Ellie’s mouth before she can even register, everything is so automatic that she even allows herself to give a shy smile. This phrase alone was enough to take her back years ago, while things were easier when they were still them.

It hurt, it was like a reminder of how much they got and lose too soon. She didn’t want to think about that time, not now, not when she is trying to be strong. 

“I’m begging you here, Dina. Please, just one talk, mind open, hear me out.”

Call it nostalgia or whatever, but somehow this whole mess works “One talk?” Dina asks.

“It’s all I’m asking about.” Ellie raises her arms like she is surrender to something, she can still see the doubt in Dina’s eyes and that makes her heartbeat o fast one is afraid it might break her ribs.

“Fine, one talk.” She finally gives in, her voice is low like a whisper like she is afraid of what will happen if she let the universe hear she is willing to do this.

“Ok, thank you, thank you so much.” Ellie continues while Dina is going back to the inside of the house “Go take care of him.” 

“I always do.” She says not caring to turn around and look at Ellie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm working on the last chapter right now, and I already know how I will end, so don't worry about that.  
> I know it's still angsty BUT our Ellie is getting better and they will talk, one step at a time, alright?  
> also, this is my first time writing for the tlou fandom and I'm feeling quite happy with how nice everyone is.  
> thank you for the comments, kudos and bookmarks.


	3. drei

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we have it, guys.  
> I hope every single one of you enjoys it.
> 
> the part in italics is a flashback, ok?
> 
> also, please, keep two things in mind: I had no beta while writing this fanfic, it was just me and my google docs. the other thing is that every time you see the "..." separating the scenes it's a jump time of a few months, alright?

They agree on meeting in Ellie’s place after eight pm, that hour they both would be off work and JJ would be sleeping in his bed with Talia watching him for a couple of hours. Not that Ellie thinks that their conversation would take this long, but still is nice knowing that they don’t have a time limit or rush things out. 

Ellie’s shift ends at 6:30 pm, it’s a ten-minute walk from the dinner to her place if she is in no hurry but that night she makes it in four minutes and a half, she had about an hour and a half to spend in mentally preparing herself. So she did, went straight to the bathroom and took a long shower, spend a lot of time trying to pick a nice pair of clothes, stelling down for one dark blue jeans and plain white t-shirt with a bottom-up gray shirt with the sleeves ripped on the middle of the arm. She wanted to use just the t-shirt because she felt good after gain height back and looks healthy but she starts overthinking her looks, she thinks that Dina saw her in her best shape and she is not there yet, that’s why she is covering her shoulders and part of her arms.

She cleans the house again because she already did that the day before, so it’s only her passing on top of things with her hand looking for dust and straightening her bedsheets. She also tries to eat the chicken with rice and beans she made last night but after the first fork of food, her stomach starts twisting so this idea is replaced by a bottle of beer to calm her nerves.

When there is a nock on the door Ellie almost chokes on her second beer, standing so fast that the movement makes the chair she was sitting fall on the floor.

“Fuck.” She curses, putting the half-empty beer on top of the table before lifting the chair and rushing towards the door. She stops in front of the door, hand in the knob and takes a deep breath before twisting it and opens it, and for the second time in ages, she has Dina in the front of her eyes. “Hey.”

Dina is standing there, hands in her back pockets, she is wearing light blue jeans, boots and a dark green long sleeve shirt. Her hair is also tied in a ponytail, she looks anxious but her gaze is focused on Ellie. “Hi.”

“Please, come in.” Ellie says this and opens the door fully, stepping out of the way so the shorter woman can enter, when she does Ellie closes the door staying with her back for her guest for a second while she gathers her thoughts for a moment before turning away and finding Dina standing in the middle of her place bracing herself with her arms, not knowing where to go. 

It’s quite sad looking, someone so extroverted like Dina feeling so uncomfortable by being alone with someone she used to share so much, including a bed, a life, herself.

“Do you want anything? Water? Beer?” Ellie starts to ramble, passing the woman and going for the fridge, even being with her back to Dina she can feel the eyes locked on her and also she knows the other woman is rolling her eyes at her right now. “I also have some tea if that’s what you are feel-”

“Ellie, can we cut to the point, please?” She is not being rude, Ellie can hear in her tone that she is just as nervous and weird about this as she. 

“Sorry.” Ellie closes the fridge and turns back to Dina “Do you want to sit?” She asks in an attempt to expand their small talk before the big talk where she could be left with a very bad answer, with that question Dina looks around the place towards the kitchen counter, the small table with only one chair and Ellie’s bed like she is asking where is she suppose to sit. “You can sit in the bed if that’s ok with you, It’s just more comfortable and I don’t know, I should have brought another chair it’s just that I don’t have many guests and -”

“Ellie, calm down, you are going to give yourself a panic attack.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine, the bed is fine.” She says and walks towards the bed in the corner of the room and sits in the end, “You gonna stand there?”

_ It’s a cold night on the farm, she went hunting early in the morning and when she came back past noon she only had time to eat the lunch Dina left for her in the oven before the little kid demands her attention. That went on for the night, she didn’t mind, she loves that kid and also allows Dina to have some time of her own. _

_ But when is past eight and she puts JJ in his crib her body is begging for a shower and some sleep, so she does just that. When she enters the room already clean, wearing her sleeping short and a tank top, drying her hair with the towel she sees Dina sitting in bed with her back to the bed frame reading one of her parenting books. Ellie just stands that in the doorway, hand still up drying her hair, staring at the woman, her woman. It’s like Dina just glow up after the after motherhood like it was possible for her to became prettier, but it did, now her skin is better, her hair is glowing, her body now has more curves, now she looks like a grown woman and dares Ellie to say: it’s hot. _

_ Ellie is stuck in her own ode to her girlfriend that she doesn’t even realize that Dina had put the book down and is staring at her with a smirk she is well used to receiving. _

_ “What?” Ellie asks still kind of dizzy from her own trip on her girlfriend’s body, now looking directly at Dina’s eyes. _

_ “I asked; you gonna stand there?”  _

“Ellie?” Dina’s voice breaks her away from memories, she shakes her head a bit before walking fast towards the bed and sitting on the opposite end of Dina.

“Sorry, I’m just nervous.”

“I can see that. But I hope you are less nervous than yesterday because you left without giving me the letter you wrote.”

“Oh, my therapist helped me write it down, she said it was a good approach.” Ellie looks at the bedside table next to them, she had put the letter in the drawer after getting home last night. “She said it was a good idea of a formal invitation because it gave you the security of saying no and we didn’t have to see each other because I couldn’t tell her if you would be happy with that.”

“And of course you went deliver that the only day I was home at the time, of course.”

“I told you, I didn’t know you would be home, or him. I went that time because I know the daycare was still open and no shift here ends before six.”

“I could be working the night shift and sleeping during the day, then I would be home.”

“You hate staying up late, says it messes with your whole body. Also, that would make JJ in the same schedule than you, and for a kid, it’s kind of weird. And the letter said basically what I told you, that I wanted to talk with you… about him. How is he, by the way? Did he got better?”

“Yeah, he is, I told you it is just the flu, we will be back to normal in a few days.”

“Good, good.”

“So…”

“Yeah, I promised you explanations and everything. Thank you for coming, means a lot to me.”

“I don’t think there is anything you can say that never crossed my mind during the nights I had to deal with your absence, but sure, go on.” Dina’s reply is brutal but honest. Ellie knew she would receive this kind of reaction and she worked on that.

“That’s fair, I’m glad you came here to listen to me at all.” She takes a deep breath and spends some time pressing her own fingers while controlling her breathing “I was in a bad place.”

“I was in a bad place too, Ellie. After what we been through in Seattle? Who would be the psychopath that would be ok after that?” Dina fights back, afraid she was going to receive the same speech she did years ago on the farm. 

“I wasn’t well Dina,” This time Ellie’s voice is louder like she is fighting hard to let those words come out “and if wasn’t Tommy showing up in our door with the golden ticket of destruction that was Abby’s location it would be something else. My panic attacks were getting worse, my anxiety was worse, I almost never sleep more than four hours at night, I spend almost half a day on a hunt that I normally did in a couple of hours.” 

“I would have left anyway because I was dying a little every day in there. You and JJ helped slow down and for a few moments I was actually happy, but then it got worse like I was worse every time I felt good even if it was for a second. When Tommy told me where she was I felt relieved because finally, I had an excuse to leave.”

“Wow.” Ellie knew that what she sais opens interpretation to bad things, and looks like is exactly what is passing in Dina’s mind. So she just keeps talking before the other woman has a chance to feel even more offended.

“Leaving you and him that night was one of the hardest things I ever did, but now I see that if I had stayed I could have hurt you, or him, in the middle of one of my episodes, and that’s something I would never be able to forgive myself” Silence took over the room, everything feels heavy like Ellie’s next words “If I had hurt any of you two I would let her kill me… or killed her”

“You didn’t?” Dina couldn’t hide the surprise in her voice, that was the last thing she expects to hear leaving Ellie’s lips.

“I almost did, I was so close to doing it. But I couldn’t.” When she says that, she touches her half fingers with her good hand, kind of like a reminder of what took for her to get this close to this revenge.

“Why?”

“Remember when Tommy said that if it was me Joel would have killed every single one of them?” Ellie asks and Dina just nods, not wanting to talk right now “He was right, he would without even blink. What he didn’t get yet and took me almost everything to realize is: I’m not Joel. And I’m sure he wouldn’t want me to go down this path, you know? He did so much shit so I could have a life, doing that would be like I was spitting in his memories and everything he did for me.”

“Oh, Ellie.” Dina tried to speak this time but Ellie was rambling, she just couldn’t stop talking, afraid once she did she wouldn’t be able to do again soon and she needs to if she wants Dina to understand her, so she just kept on talking.

“Also, that little boy that shot an arrow on you, he was there, barely living and I was there in front of her emanating rage and all she cared about was get him somewhere safe and get him help. He was so weak, he couldn’ even speak, the only thing he said during the whole time was her name, begging for help. And I put a knife in his throat.”

“Tell me you didn’t-”

“I didn’t, she fought me the moment I put him in any danger. I didn’t do anything to him, but I wish I could tell you that I wouldn’t even if she continued to refuse to fight me.” She got lost in her eyes for a while, the memory of Lev not even flinching when the cold of the knife touched his neck. She does what Marie taught her to, began to open and close her left hand to situate herself. Dina doesn’t say a word, staying still while watching Elie’s movements. “There I could also see that she would do anything to keep him safe, and it reminded me of JJ.”

She gives a small smile at Dina, the memory of him sparks so good things in her that she can help but smile

“I know that you think now that he is not mine as well, but you are wrong. Apart from you, I was the first person to know he existed, I sang to him while he was still in your belly, I was the one that went rogue when you woke me up in the middle of the night craving something weird and I had to go hunting, I was the one who held your hand when the contractions were hurting, I was the first person to cuddle him, I woke up countless time in the middle of the night to feed him and change him. I’m as much as a parent than you.”

She takes a second to breathe after her rant, at some point she notices that there are tears in her cheeks but that doesn’t stop her.

“I just fucked up, real bad, I know I did. But he is my son as much as he is yours. And I’m willing to gain your trust back, his trust back, his affection, I want to be part of his life even if we don’t work out together for good. I want to be there for his birthdays, his school projects, his games. It would mean the world to me if you consider this, after everything I told you about me, about how I was doing. I understand your concerns, I really do. But I’m doing better, you can ask Dr. Chu, or Maria, or my boss, I’m healthy, I have a house…”

“A basement.” Dina points it out and looks around “A pretty empty one.”

“I know It’s just the only other option was a two-bedroom house and I’m alone, I don’t need a two-bedroom house right now. I know it’s too soon for you to trust me with sleepovers and therefore there is no need for JJ to have his own room, and he probably doesn’t even remember me anymore.”

The last part sounds more like a whisper like she is talking that more to herself than to Dina but still she hears and the shorter woman let a sight leaves her mouth before she starts talking “He missed you so much in the beginning, he cried almost every night for the first few months, the only way I could calm him down was giving him one of your shirts but after a while your smell was gone.”

“I’m sorry.”

“He also pulled Talia’s hair every time she held him as he did with you. But after months he stopped, he started forgetting about you, he is doing fine you know? And then a week after his improvement you show up here almost dead and they didn’t know if you would make it, Ellie. Maria took me out of my shift and told me to rush towards the medical bay because they didn’t know if you would live so she wanted me to have a chance to forgive you. Can you imagine how scared I was?”

“I don’t think I can, and I’m sorry about that.”

“He is fine now, but I still see his face getting confused everything he hears a guitar, it’s like he is looking for something he’s not sure about what it is. I won’t let him get attached to you again so you just disappear and leave us again.”

“I don’t plan on leaving, ever again. I mean it this time, I’m here for good.” She put her hand on top of Dina’s and even if the shorter girl flinches a bit, she doesn’t take it away. “I’m being more honest than I ever been in my whole life, asking you to give me a chance.”

After a moment of silence, a moment that Ellie could see Dina’s thinking hard “This doesn’t change anything between us.” Ellie couldn’t stop the tears from escaping her eyes, she squeezed Dina’s hand and started nodding even before the other woman had finished speaking “And I will be there for this meeting, I will see if he is comfortable being with you.”

“Of course, anything you want. Thank you, thank you so much.”

“And you won’t call him son or say you are his mother, not yet. I need to trust you enough to allow this kind of bond between you too. Because you fucking hurt us, both of us, last time. So now we are taking everything slow, alright?”

“Alright, thank you again, Dina. For listening to me, for allowing me to show my side, to give me a chance to have a bond with him. I wish I hadn’t hurt you so much to a point that you can’t see us working things out.”

“I will be civil with you, now I understand to some extent that you were suffering and I agree that you are his parent. If it was Jesse coming back after all that you went through I would allow him to start rebuilding his relationship with JJ, so not giving you the same treatment would be unfair of me. I have to think about JJ as well, he already lost his father I don’t want him to lose his other mother as too, you and he deserve a new start. But for us? I think I will always look at you and see you as the woman who left me when I begged you to stay.”

“I’m sorr-”

“Don’t be, I kind of see it now, but he doesn’t remember losing you once, not really, so to suffer from that again he will survive. But I can’t deal with this pain again, Ellie, it will kill me to have you and lose you again, I can’t. I know that you say you are better and in a good place, but part of my mind keeps on alerting me that you will leave again if things get bad once more.”

“I know it won’t matter, but I won’t leave again.”

“I’m sorry for not believing.” During this whole time she didn’t break away the touch of Ellie holding her hand and before speaking again she took her other hand and put on top of Ellie’s “God, Ellie, I love you so much and I care so much for you but I can’t allow myself to feel all this again if I think I have a chance of getting hurt again.”

“I hope I can prove to you someday, that I mean it.”

“Me too” Dina allows herself to let the statement be heard by Ellie, the idea of this happening is so absurd to her that she sees no harm on vocalizing “But right now I just want you to be focused on getting to know him.”

**...**

For her first interaction with the little boy after years, they decided on a neutral place so that’s’ why they are standing in front of each other in the park, in the middle of the afternoon.

“Hey baby, say hello.” Once they are in a small distance to one another, and Dina can see that Ellie is static looking at the boy she takes the lead and instructs the child to introduce himself.

“Hi” His voice is low and soft, he is clearly shy about this whole situation. He looks so big compared with the last time Ellie saw him but at the same time he looks so little standing next to Dina’s and holding her leg with both arms.

“Hey JJ, I’m Ellie.” She says her name hopeful and keeps staring at him with a friendly smile while she waits for something to happen.

It doesn't.

No sight of recognition in his eyes. And she knew, she prepared herself for that, she talked to her therapist about this possibility, she knew it was impossible for him to remember her after so long. Even after all this preparation, she could feel her heartbreaking while she tries to be strong to avoid breaking down in front of him, that would be a terrible "first" impression.

Dina notices, of course she does, so she touches the little boy in his shoulders and says "Hey baby, you want to go play while mama talks to Ellie?"

"Ok" He responds with a smile to his mom, but before he leaves to the park he waves shyly at Ellie.

"You ok?"

"I'm fine." Ellie tried to sound firm but Dina can hear her voice cracking, she has her hands pressed in fists and is taking deep breathes.

"Ellie, he was too young, he wouldn’t be able to remember." Dina tries to make her feel better, and honestly, it only makes it hurt more.

"I know, I knew... it's just, doesn't make hurt any less."

"Ellie." She could hear the worry in Dina’s voice, afraid the younger woman would suggest calling this whole thing up and take him back home for another try once she was feeling better she put herself together as much as she could.

"It's ok, I told you I would win his trust and affection again, I did it once." Having that said she walks towards the little boy who is in the sandbox playing with a few toys. She knees by his side and stays in silence for a few seconds while he keeps playing.

"Hey, you mind if I play with you?"

**…**

“Is he out?” Dina asks whispering after coming back to the living room after a moment of too much quietness to find JJ tugged in the couch and Ellie sitting next to him with her head trow back resting on the back of the couch. When she hears Dina’s voice she gets up slowly and they walk to the kitchen so they could talk without waking up the boy.

“Yes, finally.” Ellie answers once they are far enough so the noise wouldn’t wake him up. “Don’t get me wrong, I love the kid but he was one fire today.”

“You could always have asked me for help.” Dina says “You want some tea?”

“Yes on the tea, and no on the asking for help. I’m just a bit tired, Seth is putting me in charge of lunchtime and I’m still getting the hang of things.”

“Well, that’s what you get for trying to become a chef.” Dina says as she puts one cup half full of green tea in front of Ellie.

The taller woman allows herself to laugh, taking a sip of her tea right after. A moment later she looks around her and the other woman before speaking “God, we are so young.”

“Where is that coming from?”

“It just, we had to grow up so fast and then went through hell in our teen years, then we moved together and had a baby, now we are standing here drinking tea, me complaining about my job like we are divorced parents in their fifties sharing custody of our son.”

I mean, we kind of are.” Dina says and gestures her head in JJ’s direction.

“Yeah, but we are twenty-three.”

“God, I feel ten years older than that.”

“That’s what I am talking about. Even if we don’t count the zombie stuff, we did so much shit and we ain’t even in our late twenties yet.”

“Is it really so crazy?”

“You kidding? At seventeen we worked patrolling, that’s one big fucking job for teens, then we travel to the other side of the country just us, then we came back and moved in together, we had a baby, we-”

“You propose.” Dina provokes, using her cup of tea to hide her smirk.

“I, yeah, there was that too.” Her cheeks are now a few shades of red, this time is Ellie who uses the cup to hide her face. This isn’t the direction she intended when she began talking about this stuff.

“You want us to keep pretending like you didn’t, I didn’t say yes and don’t have a ring in a box in the back of my closet?”

“No, it’s just, I don’t want to make things weird, we been really friendly those last months.”

“Ellie, I don’t pretend we never were romantically involved, that would be dumb.” She is fully laughing at Ellie right now, still this is the lightest the mood with them got after she came back to Jackson. “I just go with the, like you said, divorced parents vibe.”

“Well, at least we can’t say for sure we are divorced at twenty-three, that would be sad.”

“Sure, we just share custody of a small child at twenty-three.”

“Yeah, but we are still young, life is all ahead of us for whatever we want to do. We don’t have to feel like middle-aged people and thinking our life is at the end.” Ellie finishes her sentence staring at Dina’s eyes, they stay like that for a minute before she straights up her back and putting the cup in the balcony “So I better go, early shift tomorrow.”

“Wow, so young and fearless.” Dina mocks her, finishing her cup of tea and taking her and Ellie’s to the sink.

“I still have a job, asshole.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, old woman.” 

“Good night, Dina.” Ellie shakes her head in disbelieve, they are in fact still young. She notices that Dina turns to her with a bright smile on her lips.

“Good night, Ellie.”

**…**

Dina gets inside after picking up the dry clothes from outside before the rain that threatened went down for real, that’s when she hears what sounds like an enthusiastic conversation between Ellie and JJ.

“Yes, I knew your dad. He was a real nice guy, so nice we had to give you his name.” Ellie comments not paying much attention while she draws something in the paper just like the little boy is doing to his own piece of paper. “You have a really cool name JJ, no one here has this name.”

“You knew Joel too?” He asks like is nothing, like if the mention of Joel didn’t make Ellie going spiral inside her mind. Dina is about to enter the living room and change the subject, but what leaves Ellie’s mouth makes her stop in her tracks.

“Of course I knew him, he was my old man. Your mama never told you about him?”

“Uhmhum, she says he was your daddy.”

Ellie let a small laugh leaves her mouth, she stays quiet for a moment and releases a long breath before continuing talking “Yeah, he was. He was a real nice guy.”

“Like what?”

“Like, I don’t know. He was really sweet to me.”

“Duh, he was your daddy.”

“Ok, smart pants, I know, but he was really cool too you know? You know when I sing for you or play the guitar?” She asks and he just nods, his attention fully on the older woman now. “Well, he taught me how to play, he used to play way better than me, he had all his fingers on him so that helped.” She said while moving the fingers in her left hand fast to emphasize and that makes JJ giggles.

“What else?”

“He made stupid jokes just to make me laugh. He made sure I ate every day even when we had a fight, he always defended me from anyone. He called me kiddo, just like I do with you.”

“Mama says my daddy loved me so so so much that he keeps loving e even if he’s not here, maybe your daddy do too.”

“Yeah, he probably does too.” She laughs “He would have loved you too, you know, he would be the most annoying grandfather ever.”

“Silly, I have two grandfathers.”

“I know, but he was my old man, and if I’m family too,” She says casually but doesn’t miss when the little boy just nods fast “then that would make him your older man. And if he was that nice to me, he would be even nicer with you.”

“Ah, I wanted to meet him.”

“Me too, kiddo. You want me to bring you a photo or you want me to bring a draw I made of him?”

“Both!” The little kid yells in excitement.

“Ok ok, next time I bring you a photo and a drawing.” After making the promise Ellie takes her hand and messes a little with the boy’s hair. They both go back to their drawings after like no big deal.

Still kind of hiding behind the doorstep with a basket of dry clothes, after overhearing the whole conversation Dina is taken by surprise, the last thing she expects is Elie to have a normal conversation about Joel with anyone imagine JJ. Also the mention of the drawing, would be an old drawn? Is she able to draw him again?

Maybe she is really getting better, maybe she is in the greater place she ever been since before everything went to shit. Maybe time did heal her. Maybe she meant it when she said she wouldn’t leave again.

**...**

“Say good night to Ellie.” Dina says with a firm tone, even if she wasn’t able to hide the corners of her mouth lifting in a smile thanks to the frowning face her son was making.

“Good night, Ellie.” He says, and she can see he is upset about having to go to bed when he was playing with her, but still, he gave her a tight hug. It was their thing now when they are greeting each other or saying goodbye they always hug, still makes Ellie’s heart skip a beat.

“Good night, kiddo.” Ellie gives him a little wave and watches as the little boy leaves her sight when turns to the hallway to his bedroom. 

With that, she picks her jacket that is laying on top of the couch and put it on. She knows the deal, even if they are now better of and friendly, once JJ is in bed it’s time for her to go, usually because Dina takes this time of quiet to clean up the house and she doesn’t need a guess that doesn’t know the time to leave.

But tonight something changes, when she is walking towards the door she hears a quiet and shy question coming out of Dina’s. “Hey, you want to come by tomorrow?”

“Sure, what time? I have work tomorrow but I can talk to them for getting out early.” She asks casually, it’s normal now for her to spend time with him at Dina’s place so.

“No need for that, what about around 8?” Something in her voice gives in that she is nervous, that makes Ellie stops in her tracks and turn to look at her, and the vision she got took her back almost four years ago to that morning after the party where they shared their first kiss, Dina is blushing a bit and is touching her own hands in a way she knows it’s her sign of showing nervousness. It is impressive how the years had passed and Ellie finds Dina more breathtaking every day. 

“Is he going to be up?” Ellie asks, gesturing her head towards the hallway, in the direction of JJ’s room.

“No” She answers and then takes a deep breath before finishing her sentence “I was thinking about dinner, just the two of us.”

“Oh…” Silence and confusion are stamped in Ellie’s face while she tried to digest the implications of the invitation, or if she had just hallucinated all that. “I see.”

“So?” Dina asks again, it’s possible to hear the anxiety n her voice for a good answer.

“I would love to.” This time Ellie couldn’t hide the bright smile taking over her lips, she allows herself to take Dina’s had and squeeze a bit, a silent way to show her how much she is grateful for this without ruining the moment or start to talk non stop.

They share a shy smile and Ellie leaves. Excitement taking over her body, she tries not getting too anxious but it’s a start, or even better, it’s a new beginning for them.

The next night she comes back, and then the next night, a few more nights the next week, and more the week following. Ellie keeps coming back, or even sometimes staying the night, and at some point, she does what she wasn’t able to do in the farmhouse: she proves her love, she stays with her family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, that was it.  
> I want to thank you for every single kudo, bookmark, and comment I got. every single one of them warmed my heart and helped me finish this story for me and for you guys.
> 
> my twitter is @darthgabes if any of you want to follow. if you don't mind me speaking english AND portuguese there (sometimes ranting about german as well.)

**Author's Note:**

> who doesn't love a little bit of angst after the end of the game?
> 
> next one will have more dina/ellie moments and less angst I swear.


End file.
